Friday, 14 May 2010

Why were the butcher the baker and the candle stick maker in a tub together??

I just asked Jake, my 15 year old & he said... the butcher wanted to beat his meat, the baker wanted his buns hard & the candlestick maker wanted to wax his rod! So much for asking a 15 year old! lol


One night amid a fearsome storm, three friends sat chatting in a pub. The wind was howling through the trees & the moon had gone into hiding amidst the dark clouds circling fast overhead. The friends were getting ready to face the treachery outside when they heard an almighty crash come from the back room! With their coats half on they ran to see what the commotion was & found the landlord & his good lady pinned to the floor by a huge boulder. They looked up & saw an old oak, that had stood in the village for years, had come crashing through this part of the roof. The rain was lashing through the branches & soaking the faces of the helpless couple as they looked up, terrified of their fate. The water sloshed around the ankles of the three friends as they tried in vain to help the unfortunate ones, a river bank must have burst. Damn, that was all they needed! Herculean strength was all that would be able to move the tree that was on the boulder that was pinning them to the ground! Who would save them! They needed a miracle & they needed one fast!

As anyone who's anyone already knows, miracles usually come when you need one & all of a sudden....*poof* up popped Fuckup The Fairy! Now as fairies went, Fuckup was very unusual in the way she went about granting her wishes. Her magic wand had given up the ghost several centuries before, so she had resorted to finger twiddling & farting at the same time, which seemed to work quite well, wasn't always the most accurate method of delivering spells. The three friends stood back in amazement as Fuckup started whispering under her breath & twiddling her fingers towards the unfortunate couple on the floor. Loud sounds were also emanating from the small fairies nether regions, but the three friends didn't think it was the time to say anything or burst out laughing somehow. Despite the drama unfolding all around, smirks could still be seen on their faces when the moonlight poked it's head through the swirling clouds. It was scary the way this fairy worked!

Within minutes, the couple were free of the boulder & trying to stand, despite having injured themselves in the fall. The three friends were stood staring drop-jawed at Fuckup, who explained that she was actually trying to think of butterflies so the tree & boulder could flutter away in the storm. She had instead, succeeded in making rather a mess with the raw meat, dough & candle wax...She blushed crimson in the stormlight 'bloody brain & it's stupid crushes' she thought, trying to regain her composure & failing miserably in the midst of the three handsome hunks!

The injured couple retired to the upstairs undamaged part of the pub to fix their wounds & Fuckup decided she had better go before she made even more of a klutz of herself! The three friends, by this time soaked to the skin & up to their thighs in floodwater, tried to work out the best way to get home. They went to the front door just in time to see a tub float past. Clambering in, they sailed off down the village street, luckily in the right direction...good job they all lived close to one another! What were they going to tell their wives about Fuckup? They all decided not to say anything, who would believe them if they mentioned a farting fairy & had just come from the pub!?

This is why I think the butcher, the baker & the candlestick maker were all in the tub together, it was after the pub & before the rotten potato!